Written September 13, 2023
Hot damn, for a moment there I was like : “Whoah, life is so going to work the fuck out now!”. And I frankly do believe that, at the same time believing that I’ve yet to get the needed one thing I’ve been struggling to acquire – driving fucking license.
Yeah, one of them BI things that we all tend to joke around in the rainbow community is that yes, gays can’t drive, lesbians are the proud owners of some hella cars and drive like gods, the Bi people are the ones on electric scooters. Jokes on you bishies, I truly wanna get a fucking licence, as I have now eager need to get that bish to drive my hiney to wherever I desire so.
But frankly – the jobs I wanna apply to the most need you to have a driving license. Which sucks balls, therefore I wanna nail this shit in like a month and fuck off to where I wanna fuck off to. Like, I don’t want to “buy” the bleedin’ license, coz you know – we’re in the age where these things are checked and all, with things being registered all across, coz internet age is such a great thing. But really – I just wanna have that thing, so that I too can drive myself anywhere and feel like now I can troll the fuck out of my sister, no matter what and how. AHAHA. That same principle applies to my dad. He too wants me to have a car. Which is very much understandable. So that’s normal.
Fuuuck, people be crazy swimming in the baltic sea in september. It is bleedin’ cold out in it. I submerged my feet – must say it’s flippin’ chilly and I did not necessarily enjoy that.
But it was fun. But not when you feel like the goddamn flu is creeping up on your case. Eww.
I have also gained a little more “faith” in life, after meeting my dad. Due to him pulling me out of Liepaja, all the way to Vilani and Rezekne, so yeah. Lengthy train and bus trips. FFS. But yeah, that chat and driving in a car… Man, that got me to contemplate life of being able to drive yourself anywhere on a whim. And I felt like – oh fuck, how do I wanna drive myself around in a nice car. Ah.
At the same time, with some time spent well with dad and some chat altogether – I sort of figured/felt like there’s a need to get shit done. Like, I was not really mentally there to go back to UK, but lately I really was “feeling” the vibes of UK in my pinterest, online and playlists that’s on youtube – like, that fancy thing was stalking me with its vibe, so I was like – “ok bish, you got me, I shall endeavour to come the fuck back to you”. But like – the jobs I apply to now are mostly the kind that I seem to view as “chill”. Well, they’re all in the funeral houses.
But like, funerals are quite the good business, like really. Meeting people to help them, to support them, provide the empathetic help with sending their loved ones to the afterworld… Does it feel a bit like Reaper? Yeah, Shinigami shit in a way. Coz being a religious person and doing chants/songs/prayers ain’t really my thing, but being there, where people know what they come in for, when you know what they want and whole situation – it’s simple in a way.
Woman, how many crazy ideas will you have as you go into stuff? Like, working in hostess night club? Adult video camera person? Retail and restaurants? NGOs and business and politics? And now you’re like “Ay lads – Funeral!”
I mean, it does sound hella funny even to me. Like, that mix of experiences and the drive to now chill the fuck off from all that just so I can spend time WRITING FECKING BOOKS. Coz that’s the priority on the whole lot. I want a job that is very chill, so I can spend time writing books.
December 4, 2023
There’s been developments to things. I do study driving now. I am to pass theory in school, before going with all the official bits in the official place. I’m learning practical driving and thus far – highly comfy at the wheel, even though I drive on snow/ice coated roads. Still pretty well at it. Ha!
Managed to regain the contact with a friend that’s been lost to heavy world events, life and more for over 5 years now? I have not seen her face for over 10 years now, if not even more. So yeah.
Now we talking again. It’s surreal, a dream come true, a nice change of things, even though I know what’s up in her life and am really not joyous at all with all that, but she’s working through it and I’ll be there to help at each corner/step of the way.
Got to sort out some manner of life with mother and she is hell bent on helping me, if I get into a fucking menacing pinch. It’s comforting, truly. It is. As right now it’s a bit of a hectic thing, but manageable.
I also am still looking after a cat that an acquaintance of mine picked up. Cat needs to see vet – but that sort of became my side of “issues” to tackle. Which is annoying, as I was not the one who wanted to pick this cat, but now I am one who shares room with said cat, cleans his litter box, feeds him and keeps him safe. ¬_¬ Cats huh?
Besides that – been reading up more and more on psychology, politics, religion, social stuff and woo-woo stuff (magic, esoteric bits, quantum physics in spiritual community, etc) Quite interesting, endearing, very much new and simultaneously a lot of “oh that’s why” moments.
I do worry a bunch, which is not cool. I found myself thinking that due to me not feeling at 100% safe – I cannot create, as for that I need full feeling of safety.
“Between a rock and a hard place” was it? Can’t recall if that’s right. But yeah, it’s a bit and a half. More tired, more quiet, more inside myself. Stifled.
And annoyed at it – as I’d want more freedom and ability to express all I want fully, but nah, not yet. And it’s what’s getting me all queasy. Like wishing to crawl out of own skin. Like it’s not my authentic self and it’s irritating the fuck out of me.
The loneliness in the dark, the screaming as I stand in the dark of the seaside, on the empty beach, yet elated as I’m there, as it feels freeing, like a step more and I’d be washed into unknown, yet the breath taking fear makes me step away from the waves that brush on the sand, on the snow. Uff. Messing with my heart so bad. Quite the romance between me and her (the sea).
It’s like re-inventing self each day. Waking up thinking what you are or where you go. Thinking if that’s the right way. Where does the heart go? Is that correct way? Or maybe that’s my head speaking? Am I really driven or am I lazy? Do I even know self? What is true? Is all a lie? Id life the way I want it or am I locking self somewhere astray? Is it all towards the better self, higher way? Blah-blah-blah…
Guess that’s how my grey hair multiply. I think so much I overthink myself into analysis paralysis, then wiggle out into another one, that pulls me into burnout and then the staring at the wall, at the falling snow, down on the road or up in the sky. What’s longer wrong or right? Through which lenses? Reality? Perception?
Right now it’s a thought : Jail. A person with whom I stay feels like this person imprisoned himself in a house. Not leaving, not helping, not doing a thing. Just existing. Whining, bitching, blaming all others but self. Yet absolutely imprisoning self in a 2 bedroom apartment. Going from bedroom to living room, from bed to couch, from there to kitchen, then bathroom. No schedule, the sleeping regimen all over the place. Just being like a… parasite? Draining others off of life force to sustain self and own set ideas. Living in the depths of past and prolonged alcoholic stupor.
Funny thing – it’s all obvious from a side. But to him – everyone else is wrong but him. How absolutely astonishing. He finds it alright talking to ghosts for goddamn hours on end. Trying to share that there’s other people who did bad shit to him, blaming so many others, saying there’s curses and whatnot on the door of apartment, with writing you see in a certain light… Yet he’s fully sure he’s fine. ¬_¬”
Like, I feel like an observer to so many people. Seeing how they function, what they take, how they see world. Fascinating. Though absurd and sad at times.
Dreams are also quite interesting, getting wilder by the day. Dream walking or subconsciously processing the stress in waking life? That’s a good one to answer, but it’s a mix of both. Absolutely wild and not comprehensive. Where does it stem from? Where does it go?
Hopefully there’ll be miracles that answer a lot of my desires. And so it shall be.
ArcDreamer 
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