Just reading the webtoons way out long into the night…. Looking at the clock at 3:48am, listening to some really interesting audio books, as the candle light is slowly shortening, with the sole small lamp in the corner of the room giving off the warmth of light.
Cat’s inside the sofa compartment, not really sleeping, not really awake… Or he might just pop up around 7am, like he minds doing lately.
The ear piercings are still healing, although it is annoying at times, as the piercings have changed, due to my stubborn nature – putting in the ring kind of earrings. Now it’s just what it is. It’ll get better though. But for now – it’ll be a few more nights sleeping with curled edge of blanket under my ear.
The nights are more and more charming. Just sitting, enjoying the silence of it. Alone time, supposedly.
The studies in the driving school are as they are, with me being wishy-washy about tackling some things. Even though I know the whole weight of the meaning and situation – being a bit there-and-back about little things is getting me quite procrastinating. Though I’d wish to have it otherwise.
I still have scattered tarot cards on the sofa. I know I should get that sorted. I know. It’s just that right now – the appeal of keyboard charmed me to comply and write. Just about this, just about now.
It’s annoying at times that cat litter box is here, and the smell of the hm, even the cleaned sand aftermath – is still annoying at times. Work of incense sticks is quite helpful at times, but with how the cold season came in – having the room window popped a bit open to air out the smell – gets room hellishly cold in matter of seconds. Never mind the winds in this region – blown in the wind.
I really want to start off with “Charm” and “13 Kingmakers”, as well as “Parallels 2 & 3 “. I do wish that. I have my will that’s there and keeps pulling me to continue wording magic as I do. I’ll get to it. Bit by bit, once I get into my safe bubble, where it’s dark depth of night, and I feel blessed to pour words into life.
Dreaming, huh?
We all have dreams we wish to achieve. We have our own desires, wishes, demands, yearnings, I’m not sure ‘fling’ classifies into this category.
Had to switch up how laptop stands, to type easier. Though – my keyboard needs cleaning – some few teas/coffees have been spilled too close, getting some spills on it – making it sticky inside. Well, not sure this keyboard is a kind that’s easy to clean… Though – it would not be the only case of me dismantling my laptop and fixing it with own hands. That’s the story how I fixed my own display. Ohoho.
I had dreams, which I dream during my time of sleep, there I see lately my best friend, quite often. I have not seen that woman for years. And I mean years – as last time I spoke to her was a year or so, prior to my divorce. Now it’s been blimin’ years. I still remember how this year spring I met her mother in the hospital, due to meeting my doctor, who’s a dick of a human, by the way. She told me that her daughter stopped talking to her about the same time she stopped talking to me. That’s worrisome. Indeed. Though I am not sure if that’s really… Like, I don’t know.
She did tell me she was abused, then she did tell me that she had plans, she shared that she had options, but then something came up and she decided against proceeding with her plans. And that’s the last of me hearing about her. She stayed with obsessive boyfriend with some mental issues, but she was… co-dependent? Maybe the Stockholm syndrome kicked in at some point? I don’t know. I have not seen her anywhere online. Phone number did not work… I still have no clue.
Hope that one day I’ll be able to know how her life turned out.
Another little thing – staying with a neighbour who has issues and tries to open door to your room which you obviously barricaded and even got a stopper under – like, mate, don’t fuck with me. I have my own trust issues, which you know, but this way of pushing boundaries ain’t helpful.
Where am I staying that I have to use door stopper and barricade? Um, oddly enough – ‘friends place’. And acquaintance I befriended a long while back. Though now it’s not really much to look into or about. A person with own issues and demons, but with how this person is – I cannot say for sure how his life would go. This specimen needs therapy, getting a grip on his own shit real good. But yeah, what can you do with a human who has Narcissistic shebang, Gaslighting tendencies, PTSD, ADHD, and more than a million excuses on how everyone’s a dick and he’s a saint. Yeah, covert narcissism much? “It’s not my problem, it’s your problem” approach, as well as the “I’m not going to change for anyone. They should adapt to me” issues. Like, mate – you don’t need a romantic partner – you need a goddamn therapist and nurse.
But yeah, life.
I have also been talking about other shit… Like, trying to… Who am I lying to? I’m just tired from dumb people, whole lot of situation and am really eager to pass driving schtuff asap and go away. Far-far away from here. I’m too damn tired of being alienated by locals. I’m too damn tired of people who knew me ‘then’ try and push that old shit onto me, as they cannot accept me ‘now’, for it is no longer the same person and it drives them mad. I’m sick of lack of opportunities and my lack of wish to go and locally seek anything, when I already am pissed off by little things that local people do. For most – the expectations, the label, the frame of who you are. They will put you in some sort of a box to make it easier for them, but that’s the furthest of the boxes from reality. That ignorance, or that “I don’t care” attitude, or… Ehhh… That whole lot is not worth my time and effort.
The world is in a huge mess, with all the wars, with all the crazy, with all the media in disarray, with people in tough spots, horrid spots, in exploitations, in poverty, in pain, in misery…. List goes on.
But there are those who are in their love, in their joy, in their creativity, in the servitude to others and self, in betterment, in peace…
And I just wanna travel the world, see how things are and WRITE. Write, write, write, write, write… Not ‘despite’, ‘in spite’ or any other ‘-ite-‘, but out of artistic drive. Out of pure inner drive that wants me to write like there is no tomorrow. Like nothing else matters, exists, has need. Like there is nothing other in life but just writing. Just like that.
With no worry about anyone barging into my abode, without worry of food, clothes, without worry of money or shelter, with no worry of all of that. Just have freedom to create without all that other materialism… Nomadic life of a creator. Writer. With no worries. Possible? Possible. Creatable. Makeable. Liveable.
So that’s what I strive for, I guess. Even as I stay in this room in here, with a cat hidden in a sofa, with a ‘flatmate’ that tries his shenanigans every so often out of spite, though he calls it ‘helping’. Oh the schizophrenic tendencies that were left off unmedicated. Oho-hooo.
I am grateful for all my life experiences, all them lessons, situations, people, all that happened and happens – it gives me food for thought, it helps me learn a new lesson, a new perspective, it gives me resources for writing.
All the troubles, all the trauma, all suffering, all loneliness, relationships, love, hate, joy, peace, connections, travels, places, things, strangers, words, nature, creatures… – it all adds up to a fine amount of memories which I can draw upon to create. To write from own or others experiences, to write from great ability of being able to relate/feel, and being able to put that into words.
I was awed to find so many four and five leaf clovers this year. It’s quite the catch of over 200 of ones and over 60 of others. With one six leaf clover to add into the whole lot. Magical. I deem self magical, as a leprechaun, as a unicorn, as a mage with cool abilities. Not scattering the magick, but making a stronger core inside that magnetises whatever that I need.
Also – the new beloved thing that I absolutely am happy to have is – thermos. When my tea is cold as cats opinion of worldly matters, I add the boiling heat that stood there for hours. To down my pain meds, coz shit is slapping hard. Ohohohoh. Mmm, yes, one loves migraines. Ohoho. Sleep deprivation ain’t great either. Mhm…
Sometimes I wonder – when will the moment come, when I get to go out there and in a place that’s thousands of km away from here – find someone who’ll be alright with me as I am. Absolutely ok with my bouts of ‘in zone writing’, with my need of being a cat – to sleep, to walk about, to explore, to learn, to observe, to be… To do my withy things, humanly things… And be absolutely loving me for all of that. Not wanting me to be any other way but the way I am and loving me so. Maybe one day. I hope I can also, in a same manner – offer my full love, support, compassion, strength and admiration back. Hope so.
But for now – a quick stop to brush teeth, after I unbarricade the door, do my thing, come back, put the precautionary items back in place… Then get back into the bed, with as much of wonder that’s inside to touch up on magic of dream world and remember it upon my waking life – as I always did, as I do and I will. As some say that recalling dreams is a superpower. I have it since childhood. Along with cool dreaming IRL skills. But yea, life.
May the dreams that the soul yearns, that the mind yearns, that the heart yearns – all come true. So it is and so it should be.
ArcDreamer 
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