After checking out YT and watching the few good people that re-appeared online again, with their stories and the side things of life out there – damn, the kick of “I’m fucking old” got even more serious.

The throwbacks to YT start, to how it developed, to how the WWW was out there for the Web2 start and all that first try outs with basic bish programming and basic ass sites we made – it’s barely like 10 years back, but like, it’s bloody 10 years back and all…

I missed some creators, I followed others for many years since they appeared and I am really impressed with them still going, changing, adapting and making things happen. They are amazing in every fucking sense, like, for real.

With this whole lot – I kind of had a bit of throw back myself…

I have been observing the social media for years, from the way the new tech began, to first websites made, to how people created first social media, the videos, the first youtubers, online personas, celebs and whatnot.

I too wondered IF I could/should do that, though I always had a bloody issue of being camera shy, not being able to record self in front of camera for the life of me, and like – becoming like a monkey with a stick when it comes to talking – yeah, it was like, hard shit to look at.
And why do I know – I tried. Failed. Got too embarrassed with what I made and yeeted that shit off into the bin to never see again.
I did try some other shit like making first AMVs and whatnot, but that was the first video editing software’s and shabby make-shift stuff (which would be kicked by the infringements like a poor poop that does not suffice).

And being a writer kind of does a thing of making you be the one to market own shit out there and be that cringe worthy twat that is like “buy my thing” and yeah, not cool.
And I don’t, and I mean, I DON’T like that thing with marketing my books on my own. I’m not enjoying it. Maybe it was not meant to be enjoyed, but I am too weirded out by it to the point of sour-lemon-face just not leaving my expression for days on end.

I have shat the web with my thing of a podcast. I don’t even know what I’m doing with it or why, but guess that’s my try to combat the queasy feeling I get about having my face/voice out there.
Odd thing thought, I was modeling for a while.
Like – in front of camera, with like, fantasy or fashion themed shoots and all and with THAT – I’m chill. I genuinely DO enjoy that. I like planning shoots, prepping for them, executing them – absolutely amazing thing.
I even managed to be doing some events and speaking to people, having workshops and all – having being filmed without knowing or taken photos of me for like, serious reasons of certain events. And that I too was OK with, enjoying that as I go.

Then why the bloody hell can I NOT just sit my arse in front of camera and produce content?
Good question. Genuinely good one. I don’t know.
I’m becoming too picky with camera setup, with set where filming is done, sound recording, all that and beyond. Every. Fucking. Time.
Even the recordings for poopey podcasts – talk about stress of trying to ki-ind of making it decent and then spitting the “oh god no” when it’s out there in the wild.

I do wish to make some cool stuff besides the writing, for real. But I’m stuck between the “I want this to be perfect” or “I can make it shit and not care one bit about it for like a few days” and become anxious ball of hate towards own work. “Perfect” ain’t really healthy for a person to poke self with, it’s stressing and annoying and adds up to my mental health like a bomb that makes me spiral down, implode and cave in house to never see people again.

But I kind of decided to go for something a bit hm, questionable. Like, make few recordings of so called podcast about my life. Personal things that I can share. I won’t go in details to some things, as those are better left the fuck alone, coz that’s the dumpster fire themes nobody wants out there. But over all – I could manage some things out there.

Shall see how I go about my trying.


Have a good day out there!