Ehh… Talk about mundane irritations… Or more like tiresome things…Nagging? The typical questions of “find yourself a partner” topic with variations to beyond the fucking moon.
The darn list of requirements by the certain age are like thorn in a side.
Another smoking stick in hands, as the electronic cig goes on to live and die by the burnout of the fumes and battery.
The cutesy shit online that there’s to read… Well, what I scavenge to read, is quite a load. Anything from smartass stuff, to fantasy, some BL and romance shenanigans.
Fuck off… Romance. Recently that became like a “oh, would be nice” sort of thing, but the lengths of bollox that go with it in my case is like a Doctor in fantasy situation appearing and going with “Yep, she’s off her rockers when it comes to this topic.” kind of thing.
Not necessarily off of anything, but like… After many attempts at romance – I kind of either kill self off, like a sacrificial lamb, or become a momma/nanny/sis and not a partner.
“How hard is it to find a partner?” would be the banter of my relatives who expect the typical “marriage/family” and all that fairy tale from me for years. Though sole thing I give them is the – “I ain’t going out to get self a person for sake of getting a person.” and that’s not a thing to reply, apparently.
Not that I give a flying fuck about that, but to them it’s a whole lot of Spanish drama that they about to conjure up.
Don’t I want a partner? Sure, would go for that, if there’s such things like “a list of requirements before I’m to be tied to anyone” then that’s one thing that evades the vision, the idea and the common sense that goes along to those who surround me.
“Get a person”… Sweet cheeks, I’m a bloody Introvert. I am artisan, I don’t really enjoy talking to people that much and I do the “outings/talking” when that’s either a work matter or needed thing. Some people I enjoy talking with, but then throwback to Introvert – I will be silent for hours on end. And that’s NORMAL for me.
It became normal after I healed up the fact that I don’t have to be a human radio to entertain people around me. Most though still expect me to go on yapping, for the sake of either – digging for shit to gossip or to fill in silence. Neither is anywhere in the “oh, sounds good to me” bracket.
“you’re stubborn”, “you’re hard to deal with”, and the this/that that adds to list of not good qualities by the perception of others is me basically being fed up with people pleasing and staying true to self. Not killing own mental state for others, not sacrificing self just for the sake of being a rug to wipe feet on, not playing the nice dude to comfort stupid decisions or actions of another, who is not that relevant to me in any way.
Yeah, I don’t fit in. I dropped that shit a while ago and am in no way going back to it.
Does it come across like I’m a harsh dude with a steel pair of? Yeah. It does. But I’m not playing to look smaller to accommodate someone’s insecurities. Not playing in hands of the narcissists is annoying them. And I don’t give a fuck about that. They do.
I’m quite annoyed to the “I can’t understand you” comment of people around me, as I am quite easy to get, if you listen when I speak. But common mistake is that people don’t listen and pretend to be interested to just retaliate with “I can’t get you” at the end. Well, you hear, but you don’t listen. And of course I’m not going to try to come through your shit for you to get me if you’re not even willing to take a step towards me. So yeah, that’s where my even more minimalistic chat comes in play.
“Smoking vape is bad for you”, aha, so does talking with rubbish twats, consuming shitty ideas, being preoccupied with other people’s business, gossiping, being alright with your shit circumstances and not even trying one bit to change it. There also goes shitty coping mechanisms, trash like drowning in self-pity and more to the list that can stretch out like rolls of toilet paper in a restaurant.
“What are those tattoos going to look like when you’re older? disgraceful…” Yo, I’m gonna be one hell of a fun granny with colourful bod, being that kick-ass lady who can share some epic level stories with youngsters and nag them for shitty choices of cocktails.
And I don’t wallow in past thinking what could/should/if changed. I just accept whole lot as is right now and try to work with it all in present moment.
And yes, I am mentally tired quite a lot, coz besides computing own stuff, I have to also help relatives compute their stuff with less damage chosen, or damage mitigated to the shit they concoct under the influence of emotions/alcohol/shitty day and more.
Poppins, you were one super nanny… I’m a lesser evil of that, but to adults. And being a nanny for adults is even more draining, trust me. Coz being the nanny is one thing, being a free psychologist is another, the trusted handyman is a third, the one to uplift, support, help etc – that’s a whole lot.
And having them all to be sorted, gets me all drained… So yes, sleep like a sloth comes to me, the wish to close away and not talk is there, not to mention eager wish for – ARSON! every so damn often.
“your voice is not loud enough” is the worst annoying comment that I get, like – sweetie, my voice is loud enough, if you have issues with hearing I suggest a doctor, hearing aids or some practice like – not trying to speak over me and then blaming me for not being loud enough. I am not into kids games, darlin’. I just won’t speak, coz I lose interest. I’m not the one to repeat same shit too many times. I hate that. I sound like a broken record. And when that sensation of broken record comes in – I just drop that shit and never get into that topic again. If you did not take the time to listen, then I have no time to go over that again. Simple.
“Why won’t you settle here? Why do you wanna go to the other side of the world?”
Coz I am not happy here. Like, I can feel the pull of the ye olde swamp on me and that’s not what I like one bit. I have seen a lot of places, people, things, cultures and there’s the few I took a liking to and wish to yeet myself to regions where the stuff I like is. That’s not a crime now, is it?
Wishing and working for own betterment and success, happiness and wellbeing – what’s so bad about that? If you all could not muster some damn courage to try and do shit, why do I have to press self down to accommodate your insecurities, so you feel good about yourself? Not comfortable with me and my decisions? Well, that’s a ‘you’ problem, not a ‘me’ problem.
Side note – grandma, you are from Kazakhstan, the heck do you have against Asians, when You Are Asian? Like, so am I for a part, but damn, woman, how can you call all them people in Asia dark? We both have olive skin tone and your tantrums about having white dudes look better ain’t any… Ehhhh…. She’s one funny but biased lady. “Japan/Korea/China/Vietnam/Philippines/Indonesia is bad for you”, yeah, like opioids, cocaine, some meth and whatnot, but I ain’t now dissing your meds and preferences now, am I?
“why are you talking in English when you are angry?”
Coz when I’m lacking words in other languages my brain goes to one where I know the needed words, same happens when I’m nervous and I swear all shit in British slang. Is that language shaming or what? Like, I am trilingual, what do you want from me? My brain is wired in UK English and thank fuck for that.
“your Russian is shitty”
Ain’t it? I know! I have not been talking much of that with people over the years. And the instances when I had to, I DID use google translate to translate half the words I needed to say.
“read books in Russian/Latvian”
Bruh, I did. Now when I pick them books I can’t process info to the point of reading same damn pages over a hundred times and that shit still does NOT sink into my brain. With English I do get that info down.
God, I’m ranting out like a kid…
“what religion do you believe in? you were christen orthodox”
Aha, when it was pressed on me with my relatives who though that’s a heck of a cool idea. When I did not like it in least. We’re like celebrating pagan summer solstice and whatnot since I’m a kid, coz in here we still have pagan culture. And why I am witchy now? Oh who knows… Happened?
Having the relatives believe in superstitions, ma reading endless horoscope stuff, trying out rituals, then old grannies with their juju stuff, and now it’s sacrilegious Where the fuck from, m’dear, where the fuck from?
Yeah, having to go about in childhood to get PTSD, with some endless traumas and whatnot and now healing from it – yeah, does sound like I’m rough, when I no longer accommodate y’all issues that you try to press on me. It no longer sticks.
“you were such a nice, calm, silent child that did all”
Aha, coz I was beaten tf up if not. Surviving shit you all did kind of did it on me. And now having to listen to denials of done traumas inflicted is quite the show. When she lists the “good memories” from before and I say that I can not remember that (which is a trauma response) comes as a shocker, and when I list what I remember comes with “it never happened”… Ri-igh, so I hallucinated all that bollox. Ri-ight. Nah, love, you take responsibility for your shit and face up to it. Coz I had to go through a lot to get where I am and I’m not playing along to the new BS that you’re trying to make here. Naaah. Not going on in this lot.
Also, past is in the past and that’s where it’s left.
Them all tryna dig out the dead is not a way to go about things. Them all trying to play a new role of a victim – no pass from me. All the bullshit – I see through it. And I have no interest digging up some old rotten corpse of a memory for the pleasure of your reminiscence. No thanks.
The sole good shit I can pull up – are the few movies that I can re-watch due to love and this fuzzy good feeling they bring to me. And them are “The Mummy” 1999 and one that is about Scorpio king after, as well as the “Devil Wears Prada”… Coz they leave the fuzzy warm feel that’s quite hard to describe, yet it makes me feel good. Soft, caring, cozy, blanket sort of loving thing.
Yeah, there’s a lot of mess here, so is a lot of what’s changed and healed.
But for now I’d like to do the one thing I enjoy doing – write. If that’s still something eons away from understood – well, that’s not my problem.
And so the world keeps on going…