Letters… I write her letters, with the words I wished I’d say out loud, yet am unable to let it out.
I write her of things that matter and are not so important, about feather I picked in the park, or the campus fights about the examination deadlines.
There are words that are meant to be, to truly be, said out loud. To her, in her presence, not without. There’s touches and kisses I’d also share, but I’m not even sure if you’d care.
There’s hearsay that got to me the other day. You’ve got a boyfriend, is what they say. I’m hurt, disappointed and frankly – in pain. That was not the reason that I went away… That was not reason to stay apart, that was a pledge of the “with or without”, to keep it together, for faith to proceed. I wish for the weather to not be so steep… The winds tend to howl at evening, in moonlight, I can sense my sorrow filing the sunlight… the stretch of the books, the assignments inside, the pens and the fools, that come to decide…
I was feeling so hurt, yet I’m restless within – will it also come, hurt, or it won’t be that seen?
I have been with another. Bed’s a mess, I’m in sweat. Couldn’t count it as hearsay, coz for sure I was there. To be true, I could lie, but that’s not what I meant. I was into this guy, in the moment we met. Just a friend, just a dude, just a cover up mood. Yet I went all in all, with few drinks, with heart hole, spewing words that were meant to be heard by you alone. And he comforted me, and he hugged and he kissed. That’s when I knew it all – all the feelings I missed.
You were not with reply for a year and a half. I just guessed the new guy had you all to his half. I was not sure at all, if I’d go for a man, but that moment in store, when he picked up the pen…
I just sensed downright sentiment, pure and soft little lie, then it grew into sentinel, filling up me in lie. I grew into it slowly then, trying out taste some more… I enjoyed being on with him, more and more, more and more.
Then the last year of studies – we had managed a score – living in same room, two of us – we just knew, we had more.
Day by day, love had flourished then. I had sensed all my pain in a vapor – off and far away, down the hills off to sea shore… It had fled, not returning again.
I had managed to love. He’s no more precious friend. He’s beloved one, the core.