The night in Kitchen
Not able to fall asleep is a great kind of inner killing system, which comes out when you are troubled or just floating somewhere in between the reality and dream.
Knowing my only safe place, no matter where and how, I feel most drawn to kitchen. It seems quite strange by many means, as me, enough aged man, sits down on kitchen floor, whilst holding cup of coffee and staring into space, as if there is the answer on something that is bothering me. But all I really see is just the hollow nothingness of that point blank I stare into.
But still, somehow that little bit of strange crammed place called kitchen is just where I somehow feel safe. In a way as in a story by Banana Yoshimoto “Kitchen”, yes, somehow to some of us it is the best place to “hide”.
“Are you alright Cat? You seem adrift someplace, which is not here.” – said Orchid, just as she walked into the kitchen.
I plainly looked in her direction, not knowing what really to reply.
What can I explain regarding this moment of why I am here in the middle of the night, without light, looking out the window trying to get a glimpse of stars, which hide behind a thick wall of clouds. Why…
“I see there’s something on your mind. – Spoke Orchid. – I might not be someone who will understand, but I can try. I sound persistent, don’t I? – She took a deep breath. – Cat, can you tell me about yourself? Even a bit of how you became the way you are. I want to know.”
Staring into her eyes, not knowing whether it will be fine, I took a sip of coffee and turned my gaze back onto sky.
“I am not very good at explaining my feelings. I seem not to find the right words, as others become offended or misunderstand when I try to explain. I am quite bad at it, one might say. It’s just that I have not been explained in childhood how to express my feelings right. It’s a mixture of what comes to mind on how to let them know what goes inside. Saying something rude whilst happy, or cheesy strange when I am sad; when mad I can’t say right at all, as then I just end up to bluntly spit out things that I don’t mind, that I were not in charge of making in my head.
I am a little miserable that way. When I really have something in my heart that eats me up, I just come up with the good side of it, and pretend that all is for the best, although the pain does not go away, it keeps on pulsating inside and reminds of itself every time I just wake up in the morning. I’m pitifully sad.
But then again, not all in world is best or perfect, I am still working it out to find the most suited words to describe what possesses my mind. At times it is quite a delusion, and it is in all a collision of two differences that make a mess inside and I just can’t get it right. I keep fiddling with words, mulling them over but in the end what I spit out is just things that have nothing in common – the unlinked sentences. That is where most reply “What?”, as they can’t understand, and they complain about it, but how can I explain that at times what lies in my head is not easy to put in words, better on paper instead, mostly that is what makes right out more sense.”
I breathed out, still seeking a peep-hole in clouds, trying to still find the passage for eyesight to catch onto some marvelous stars, that hand can not reach.
Orchid looked up as I looked, then narrowed her eyes, took a deep breath and shook her head, diverting her gaze on me.
“Cat, you speak in riddles almost, it seems like you’re an old git, being fed up with all around, but then, you turn around and I see as if a newborn kitten again. I was wondering how come that knowing your age you seem like a child, so full of hope and wonder inside and out, seeking for best in people around, although pain is the most common return to the faith you give people.”
By the words she spoke I understood her concern towards me, as if it was something hard and strange to see.
“My dear, many speak of the Wiseman they meet on the path of their life, and they say they learned a lot during that moment in time, but again, they do not use the knowledge they got, they just mind it inside and forget what they’re told. Ah!” – I gasped as I saw the finishing outline of cloud, and stars started glowing and showing their faces to me, I looked at them, happy to see them alas, took time for them tonight to be unveiled.
“You see those stars? Amazing beauty are they not?”
Orchid just looked up, with expression of “This? Is this it?”.
“When I was young, I could remember days when I saw stars, like these, but different, as if from someplace else. Then my view would be filled with strange forests and swamps, small houses from wood and bricks, with no lights, all lit up by a moon, with sound of train passing somewhere afar. I was gazing at stars, and I heard a voice, girly voice from inside. She said “I wish there would be someone like me, willing to see what I see and share what he saw with me. I wish this one person would be with me.” And I was awed, I was dumbstruck, could not really know what is on I spoke in return “I am here and I am willing to learn.” The voice gasped with surprise, I think she thought that there would be no one to reply to her, that moonlit night. “My name’s Niko” she said. “You can call me Adrian” that was the name I came up with, which stuck to me later in time.
I spoke to her and she spoke to me. We became one – her and me. Somehow I could see what she saw, and she saw what I saw. That was magic. Her voice was so nice to hear, but then I was struck with believe that we were just female and male sides of one soul. Sounds like a mystery and something unrealistically crazy, but that is what we ended up thinking about us.
One time, I could hear her voice, but she was sobbing, and through pain in her words I asked her to tell me more of what bothered her… Abuse, physical pain, poisonous words and lack of ones who would take her the way she was – those were the poison bullets and lashes which took her bit by bit away to see Belphegor and Mammon, to be frightened by the creatures of magic. Each time I tried to struck a conversation with her, I could hear her hollow bit making it bigger each time. No matter how much I showed her the life in here, the natural bits that I saw, no matter how I tried to cheer her to get out of all and see more, she distanced herself, and one day I could no longer see what she saw, neither she heard me anymore.
Then, I saw things here, that were so similar to what I have seen trough her eyes. I felt pain. I could feel all of what she felt as I took a closer look at what was going here, what I saw deeper inside gave me shrivels, made me mortified with fear, hatred, disgust, made me hollow as well.
I was going through this world seeing grime everywhere, not believing that these things could be found even here. Then I stopped one day, when I was poor, had not a soul who would take my hand and say something to make me believe in the world I live in again. It was horrid time, back then.
Just as I was about to kick bucket and say last goodbye to the world, as I stood there, on hill looking across the city I was born, smelling night air and scent of narcisses, eyes closed, silence around… I hear a familiar voice in background, then bit by bit it came clearer.
“Adrian, – she spoke softly, – I am here too, next to you, looking at night sky, surrounded by scent of narcisses and chill of the night. I know what you feel. I feel the same, but look at all closer, from far far away. Beneath us, are people, rushing somewhere, beeping car horns, turning police sirens, swearing and yelling, saying love words and caring for someone, there are so many of us, still not aware of the Hell which awaits them, if they meddle from path they are on. The buzz never stops. Even if we both go, they will keep on beating. Some might be wrong, some are right, some are strong, some are weak, even inside of their mind can be fragile. You know, years have passed. I can see your stars again.”
I just kept on my gaze on the stars in the clear skies. And somehow, I was warmed up again to hear that someone is beside me, holding my hand and also knowing the path we went through.
“Niko, where were you? I tried many times to see through your eyes, but never again have I managed to get to you. What has happened?”
“Eh… – she breathed out. – There was a lot going on. More sorrow, more pain and more loveless of heart. Aching to become someones beloved, but somehow it just did not happen. But then I became in love, with nature, with stars and with dreams, hopes for someone to love one day. You know, Adrian, I tied to become someones “the one”, but ended up stranded in things that I was not really ready for. Ended up paining someone more. But I learned that once you are alone, just like then, when looking at stars and the forest of swamps with trains that go by somewhere afar, you just see the peace still dwelling within. In little doses, in something small, you nibble on this bit of happiness from recalling the feeling of before and adding it to the bit which became more.
You know, I am here with you now, we will once again see from like before. I love you Adrian, so let’s keep on going with this path, no matter how long and how much more we will feel pain or disappointment. I am sure that we, holding heart in heart, can overcome things that will sway their way to us.
We can apologize for the trouble we caused along the way, but minding our paths we shall go. We’ll keep going. Promise me that we shall keep on going.” – she said then.
All I could muster to reply to her, was that I promise to walk on, holding hands, standing strong. I was crying, so was she, but we were happy inside. From then on, we held together and walked on and on. I still see what she sees and hear what she says, she laughs at my jokes and my sarcasm. Trough laughter we keep on going.
So Orchid, I was there, where hell was all cold and frostbiting, frosting the heart to the core, but with last of the light I had in me, she saved me, just like I have saved her.”
I finished my long yapping as it were, got up, went to make some tea, got out some sweets.
Orchid was carefully mulling over the story. Soaking in all what was said.
“So, to become this happy and childish, full of hope and wonder you overcame the inner of hell and came back. With a bit of a help of unknown voice that saw the other worlds side. Indeed, sounds like magic.”
Orchid was amused by such turn of events. She most likely never imagined the jitters of cold biting onto your bones, and you trying to not give up hope for the sun to come, as night passes, when you are alone in the midst of disaster, holding nothing but small bit of light in your palms, re imagining, sound of the train passing by, view of the forest covered in moonlight, hoping someday you will find your happy warm life with someone to hold on to with love, care and your might.